If you would like to read the profiles of some of our Attorney Clients who you can hire and who will use Apex for Paralegal Work to save you money, CLICK HERE.
This is going to be a set of cards with a super bad and wrong joke about the law on each with ApexLawService.com “Save on Legal Services” on the back so when we hand them out at bars and then people get arrested for DUI with them still in their pockets they will definitely hire us and not think we jinxed them. If you need a DUI or Criminal Defense Attorney for any reason (Our Client was a Prosecutor), CLICK HERE.
Around 500 law related jokes written for us. We are going to be making cards for distribution to San Diego County Bars for the enjoyment of the Patrons. We will be developing a SmartPhone App too.
www.cardsagainstthelaw.com is our little marketing project. there are some super funny jokes and some super heinous and nasty jokes that when they make you laugh will force you to deal with what you really are and what the law really is. nasty human conflict and cognitive dissonance. 😎
If you feel these jokes are too out of bounds, please read about humor in this treatise.
We are developing a Standup Comedy Night series called “Jokes Against the Law”
Heroes Drive 0.00 – Uber Up!
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example jokes from the cards:
Cops
Q: “Why did the prisoner sleep outside?”
A: “Because he forgot his cell number!”
Q: Why did the cop sit on the toilet?
A: To do his duty.
Q: Why are police officers excellent volleyball players?
A: Because they know how to serve and protect.
Q: What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot?
A: A cellfie
Q: How do cops greet people?
A: Policed to meet you!
Q: What did the policeman say to his belly button?
A: You’re under a vest!
Q: Did you hear that the energizer bunny was arrested?
A: He was charged with battery.
Q: What’s black and always in the back of a police car?
A: The seat.
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None they just beat the room for being black.
Q: A football player, an illegal immigrant, and a Muslim are in a car whose driving?
A: The Police Officer
Q: What do you call a female police officer who plays guitar?
A: SHE RIFF
Q: What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison?
A: A small medium at large.
Q: Who do you call when Zika infected mosquitoes attack?
A: The SWAT team.
Q: Why was the police officer sleeping on the job?
A: He was under cover.
Dirty
Q: What is the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After five years your job still sucks.
Q: What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?
A: A tearjerker.
Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they’re wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
Q: Why are Penises the lightest things in the world?
A: Even thoughts can raise them.
Q: What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q: What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?
A: Finding out it was traced.
Q: Why didn’t the Toilet Paper cross the road?
A: It got stuck in a crack
Q: What do you call an anorexic woman with a yeast infection?
A: A Quarter Pounder with Cheese
Q: How did the Burger King get the Dairy Queen pregnant?
A: He forgot to wrap his Whopper!
Q: What’s the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before leaving the factory?
A: Two Test-tickles
Q: Do you know what 6.9 is?
A: A good thing screwed up by a period.
Q: What do a Rubik’s cube and a penis have in common?
A: The more you play with them, the harder they get!
Q: How do you make a pool table laugh?
A: Tickle its balls.
Q: What does a perverted frog say?
A: Rubbit
Q: What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?
A: a PDF File
Q: What is the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynecologist?
A: A Genealogist looks up your family tree, whereas a Gynecologist looks up your family bush.
Q: What’s green and smells like pork?
A: Kermit the frog’s finger
Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A: A wet nose.
Q: What do you call an Italian hooker?
A: A Pasta-tute
Q: Who was the worlds first carpenter?
A: Eve, because she made Adam’s banana stand
Q: Whats the difference between a hooker and a mosquito?
A: When you slap a mosquito, it stops sucking.
Q: What’s the process of applying for a job at Hooters?
A: They just give you a bra and say “Here, fill this out.”
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an alter boy.
Q: What do electric trains and women’s breasts have in common?
A: They were originally intended for children, but it’s the men who play with them the most.
Q: Whats long, hard and full of seamen?
A: A submarine
Q: Whats the best thing about dating homeless chicks?
A: You can drop them off anywhere.
Q: What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market?
A: Good morning ladies.
Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls?
A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice
Q: What do tofu and a dildo have in common?
A: They are both meat substitutes!
Q: What do you call a dictionary on drugs?
A: Addictionary.
Q: What is Moby Dick’s dad’s name?
A: Papa Boner
Q: How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her?
A: She found another woman’s lipstick on his knuckles
Q: How do you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: By the taste
Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!
Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.
Q: What do you call 2 guys fighting over a promiscuous woman?
A: Tug-of-whore.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What do George Zimmerman, OJ Simpson and Masturbation have in common?
A: Getting off once isn’t enough
Q: How is a woman like a road?
A: Both have manholes.
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his butt.
Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn’t?
A: Her navel.
Q: What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?
A: I want you inside me!
Q: What’s the speed limit of sex?
A: 68, at 69 you have to turn around.
Q: Why do vegetarians give good head?
A: Because they are used to eating nuts!
Q: What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually take time to search for a golf ball.
Q: What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
A: Beat it. We’re closed.
Q: What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down?
A: Married.
Q: Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
A: Because they won’t stop to ask directions.
Q: What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
A: One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.
Q: Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
A: He only comes once a year.
Q: What’s the best part about sex with twenty—eight-year-olds?
A: There are 20 of them!
Q: What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
A: You can unscrew a lightbulb.
Q: What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.
Q: What’s the best part about gardening?
A: Getting down and dirty with your hoes.
Q: How is a girlfriend like a laxative?
A: They both irritate the crap out of you.
Q: What do the Mafia and a vagina have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.
Q: What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick?
A: The man.
Q: What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?
A: Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.
Q: What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.
Q: How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
A: As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.
Q: What did the sanitary napkin say to the fart?
A: You are the wind beneath my wings.
Q: Why can’t you hear a psychologist using the bathroom?
A: Because the ‘p’ is silent!
Q: What’s better than roses on your piano?
A: Tulips on your organ.
Q: What’s the difference between being hungry and being horny?
A: Where you put the cucumber
Q: What do you call a virgin on a water bed?
A: A cherry float
Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in a can?
A: Because his wife died
Q: What do you call two lesbians in a closet?
A: A liquor cabinet
Q: What do girls and noodles have in common?
A: They both wiggle when you eat them
Q: What’s the worst thing about dating a blonde?
A: If you don’t know what hole to put it in neither do they.
Q: Did you hear about the cannibal that made a bunch of businessmen into Chili?
A: I guess he liked seasoned professionals.
Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur
A: A lickalotopuss
Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dong.
Q: What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad?
A: Lettuce alone without dressing.
Q: Whats long, Hard and Erects stuff?
A: A Crane!
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A: Because all those men already have boyfriends.
Q: What is the difference between an illegal immigrant and E.T.?
A: E.T. eventually went home!
Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don’t have balls to scratch.
Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: Why are YOU shaking? She’s going to eat me!
Q: What do you call a 13 year old girl from Kentucky who can run faster than her six brothers?
A: A virgin
Q: What do you call two fat people talking?
A: A heavy discussion
Q: What do you call a party with 100 midgets?
A: A little get together.
Q: What do going down on an old woman and a pork pie have in common?
A: You have to bite the crust and lick out the jelly before you get to the meaty bit.
Q: What did cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A: She gagged
Q: How do you get Dick from Richard? How do you get Bill from William? how do you get bob from robert?
A: You ask him nicely.
Q: Why doesn’t Santa Claus have any children?
A: Because he only comes once a year, and it’s down your chimney.
Q: What does in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet?
A: Chewing gum
Q: Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll?
A: Because Ken came in another box
Q: What did the leper say to the prostitute?
A: Keep the tip!
Q: What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease?
A: One is a cunning runt, and the other is a running cunt
Q: What’s the difference between a bag of coke and a baby?
A: Eric Clapton would never let a bag of coke fall out the window
Q: What’s the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick?
A: The hockey player takes a shower after three periods.
Q: What kind of bees make milk?
A: Boo-Bees
Q: What’s the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?
A: The refrigerator doesn’t fart when you take your meat out
Q: What do you call an expert fisherman?
A: A Master Baiter
Q: What’s the difference between a girl and a washing machine?
A: When a guy dumps a load in the washing machine, it doesn’t follow him around.
Q: What’s the worst thing about being a pedophile?
A: Just trying to fit in
Q: What’s the best thing about a gypsy on her period?
A: When you finger her, you get your palm red for free.
Q: Who’s the biggest hoe in history?
A: Ms. Pac-man, because for 25 cents she swallows balls until she dies.
Q: Did you hear about the short-sighted Moyle?
A: He got the sack
Q: What do you call a cheap circumcism?
A: A rip-off
Q: Did you hear about the celebrity murderer?
A: He was shooting for the stars
Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
A: By the time you’re finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
Q: Why is being in the military like a BJ?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Q: Why can’t Jesus play hockey?
A: He keeps getting nailed to the boards.
Q: What did the letter O say to Q?
A: Dude, your junk is hanging out.
Q: What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
A: Virgin Mobile
Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
A: Doughnuts
Q: What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control?
A: A trip without the kids!
Q: How do you know you have a high sperm count?
A: Your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.
Q: What’s the difference between a catholic priest and a pimple?
A: Pimples don’t come on a boy’s face until they’re 13.
Q: What’s the difference between a walrus and a lesbian?
A: One smells like fish and has a moustache, and the other is a walrus.
Q: What do priests and McDonalds have in common?
A: They both stick their meat in 10 year old buns
Q: What do you call crystal clear urine?
A: 1080pee
Q: Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
A: For fingering A minor
Q: Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?
A: They couldn’t close his casket.
Q: What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common?
A: Their last big hit was the wall.
Q: Why wasn’t Jesus born in the U.S.A.?
A: Because God couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.
Q: Whats the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler?
A: Phelps can finish a race.
Q: Why did the walrus go to the tupperware party?
A: Because he wanted to find a tight seal
Q: Why don’t orphans play baseball?
A: They don’t know where home is.
Q: What does it mean when your boyfriend is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: How do you tell if a chick is too fat to sleep with?
A: When you pull her pants down her butt is still in them
Q: What do you call an artist with a brown finger?
A: Piccassole
Q: What do you call an afghan virgin?
A: Never bin laid on
Q: Whats 72?
A: 69 with three people watching
Q: What three words will ruin a man’s ego?
A: “Is it in?”
Q: What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check?
A: Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.
Q: What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
A: Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blow job.
Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q: Why do women have orgasms?
A: Just another reason to moan, really.
Q: How is sex like a game of bridge?
A: If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner
Q: How is life like a penis?
A: Your girlfriend makes it hard.
Q: Why did God give men penises?
A: So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Q: What’s a adult actress’ favorite drink?
A: 7 Up in cider.
Q: What do you call ball’s on your chin?
A: A dick in your mouth!
Q: Did you hear about the Mexican racist?
A: He joined the que que que.
Q: What did the penis say to the vagina?
A: Don’t make me come in there!
Q: What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?
A: One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.
Q: How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
A: Call and tell her about it.
Q: Why are men like diapers?
A: They’re usually full of crap, but thankfully disposable.
Q: What should you do if you come across an elephant?
A: Apologize and wipe it off.
Q: What do you call an incestuous nephew?
A: An aunt-eater.
Q: What do you call a nanny with breast implants?
A: A faux-pair.
Q: What’s warm, wet, and pink?
A: A pig in a hot tub.
Q: Why was two piece swimsuit invented?
A: To separate the hairy from the dairy.
Q: What’s another name for a vagina?
A: The box a penis comes in.
Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Pick it up and blow it!
Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.
Q: What do Asian people eat instead of chicken noodle soup?
A: Chicken Poodle soup Girls are like math problems. If they are under 18, it’s best you do them in your head.
Life without women would be a pain in the butt, literally.
Life is like toilet paper, you’re either on a roll or taking crap from some asshole.
The only way you’ll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken’s butt and wait.
I nicknamed my dong “Coin Flip” because it’s always getting either head or tail.
Witty quotes etc.
If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
Relationships are like fat people… Most of them don’t work out.
I’m in shape… Unfortunately, it’s the shape of a potato.
I failed my driver’s test today. The instructor asked me “What do you do at a red light?” I said “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”
Old people at weddings always poke me and say “you’re next”. So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems… unless you’re fat.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I’m so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood.
I changed all my passwords to “incorrect”, so that whenever I forget, it will tell me, “Your password is incorrect.”
Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. Therefore, chocolate is salad.
I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems.
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have an “S” in it?
People say love is the best feeling, but I think finding a toilet when you’ve got diarrhea is better.
Damn, I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 10 years in a row now…
Going to McDonald’s for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.
Saw some footage of polar bears drinking water today. It’s obviously fake, everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
“Don’t kid yourself” would be a great slogan for a condom company.
If you were home alone, and you heard a fart, would you be scared or laugh?
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to…Unless you’re in prison!
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.
If I die in my sleep, at least I can actually say that I died doing what I loved.
Behind every girl’s selfie are approximately 43 nearly identical photos that just didn’t cut it.
Dear rappers, please stop putting sirens in your songs. When I’m driving, it scares the crap out of me.
Never give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping.
If your boyfriend remembers your eye color after the first date, then you probably have small boobs.
Do bankruptcy lawyers really expect to be paid?
I’m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
My wife left me for a Hindu guy. At least he’ll treat her better… they worship cows.
If only God can judge us, then Santa has some explaining to do.
Don’t be racist, be like Super Mario. He’s an Italian plumber, created by Japanese people, who speaks English, and looks like a Mexican.
Who says nothing is impossible? I’ve been doing nothing for years.
I wish you would eat some makeup so that you’re pretty on the inside too!
Today I saw something through a store window that was truly stunning, beautiful and sexy. I wanted to get it for you, but then I realized it’s my own reflection!
I’m not clumsy! The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.
Some people walk into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts. Others walk into our lives and we want to leave footprints on their face!
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. ‘Do you want a bag?’, the cashier asks. ‘No’, the guy says, ‘she’s not that ugly’.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
I farted in the Apple store and everyone yelled at me. It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows!
Virginity is like a soap bubble, one prick and it is gone.
I just saw an Apple store get robbed… does that make me an iWitness?
The last thing I want to do is hurt you… but it’s still on the list.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake an entire relationship!
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
You spend the first 2 years of a child’s life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of credit card payments.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?
Women say childbirth is the most painful thing… obviously they have never stepped on a Lego.
In about 20 years, the hardest thing our kids will have to do is find a username that isn’t taken.
Boobs are just proof that men can focus on two things at once.
If Apple were to ever make a car… would it have Windows?
Why do medications never have any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medicine bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness”
Some day when scientists discover the center of the universe, many people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn’t them.
I love how people say they’re “expecting” a baby, as if it might be something else, like a penguin.
Shout out to my fingers, I can always count on them.
I’m a huge fan of 50 Cent, or as he’s known in Zimbabwe, “Three Hundred Million Dollars.”
I’m looking to buy a new boomerang, how can I throw the old one out?
No matter how smart you are you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.
I hate when I’m about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
Assassins are impressive. Its not the killing part that impresses me… its that they figured out a way to fit “ass” into the same word twice.
If you bring a gun to the pharmacy, you can get drugs without a doctor’s prescription.
Say “I won a math debate” really fast.
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his iPod?
If man evolved from monkeys, how come we still have monkeys?
How do you handcuff a one-armed man?
Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches. When you can no longer get the straw in the hole, you’ve had enough.
Girls Fall in love with what they hear, and guys fall in love with what they see. That’s why girls wear make up and guys lie!
I named my dog “5 miles”, so I can tell people I walk 5 miles every day.
I don’t have a Facebook or Twitter account, so I just go around announcing out loud what I’m doing at random times… I’ve got 3 followers so far, but I think 2 are cops.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I only drink a little, but when I do, I turn into another person… and that person drinks a lot.
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends’ food looked like.
I’m naming my TV remote Waldo for obvious reasons.
I accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator. I guess I’m taking this shit to a whole new level.
Husbands and boyfriends are the best people to share secrets with… They’ll never tell anyone, because they aren’t even listening.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
I got 99 problems… but I’m going to take a nap and ignore them all.
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If someday we all go to prison for downloading music illegally, I hope they split us up by music genres.
Plastic surgery is the work-out routine for the rich.
Time flies whether or not you’re having fun.
Life without women would be a pain in the ass, literally.
The thesaurus is where we find big words for the ones people actually understand.
Some people cause happiness wherever they go… others cause happiness whenever they go.
Someone gave me the wrong directions to a massage parlor, and it rubbed me the wrong way.
A stinky man walks into a bar. Unfortunately it isn’t of soap.
I accidentally broke my Irish friend’s Pixar movie. He wasn’t amused, but he did say “You cracked me Up.”
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
My vacuum broke in the middle of cleaning and I can’t tell if the situation sucks or not.
Shout “out” to baseball players who get three strikes.
I hate change, but I also hate change. So if the US gets rid of pennies and nickels I’m not sure how I’ll feel.
My body is like a dictionary filled with blank pages: thick and no definition.
When I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday she said ‘Just gimme something with diamonds.’ That’s why I got her a pack of cards.
I got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn’t appreciate it when you call “shotgun” before boarding a plane.
If God wanted us to be thin, food wouldn’t taste so good.
I don’t always procrastinate, but when I do, I’ll do it tomorrow.
If God sneezes, what should you say?
Is it still illegal to park next to a fire hydrant, even if your car is on fire?
Friendship is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can truly feel it’s warmth.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody’s listening.
Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you’re done.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and I. After all, I’m a Scorpio and she’s a bitch.
Never make fun of a fat guy with a lisp… He’s probably thick and tired of it.
A skinny guy with a six-pack is like a fat girl with big tits.. It doesn’t count.
Did you ever hear about that movie “Constipation”? It never came out.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
“The problem with quotes from the Internet, is that you can never truly verify their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln
If it’s the thought that counts, think money.
Did you here about the guy who lost his whole left side? He’s alright now!
What’s a library? Is that like a big kindle?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
My room isn’t dirty, I just have everything on display.
When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny?
If a kid refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
If you are bald, what hair color do they put on your driver’s license?
Relationships are like farting, if you push too hard, things could get messy real fast.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
The answer you’re looking for is inside of you, but it’s wrong
The more you weight the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe, eat cake.
Life is like Toilet paper… you’re either on a roll or taking crap from some asshole.
An old lady at the bank asked me if I could check her balance. So I pushed her over.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Fart and they’ll stop laughing.
Two antennas got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
“Do Not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”
-Elbert Hubbard
“Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.”
-Margaret Mead
“Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.”
-Jules Renard
“Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.”
-Luis Bunuel
“Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.”
-Mark Twain
“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.”
-Benjamin Franklin
“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”
-Isaac Asimov
“We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.”
-W. H. Auden
“When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.”
-Albert Einsten
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
-Theodore Roosevelt
“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.”
-Mark Twain
“I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.”
-Robin Williams
“I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.”
-Warren Buffett
“The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.”
-Terry Pratchett
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
-Jim Carrey
“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”
-Rodney Dangerfield
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
-Steve Martin
“All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.”
-Jane Wagner
“I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.”
-Ron White
“Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.”
-Don Marquis
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
-Anthony Burgess
“A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.”
-Oliver Herford
“When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.”
-Bob Monkhouse
“At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?”
-Zach Galifianakis
“In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.”
-Rita Rudner
“If voting changed anything, they’d make it illegal.”
– Emma Goldman
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
-Mitch Hedberg
“Life’s tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“Children are smarter than us. Know how I know that? I don’t know one child with a full time job and children.”
-Bill Hicks
“The best time to give advice to your children is while they’re still young enough to believe you know what you’re talking about”
-Evan Esar
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.”
-Ashleigh Brilliant
“Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.”
-Mae West
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
-Robin Williams
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it. “
-Jerry Seinfeld
“If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.”
-Laurence J. Peter
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
-Rodney Dangerfield
“I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
-Woody Allen
“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”
-Groucho Marx
“Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?”
-Phyllis Diller
“I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want–an adorable pancreas?”
-Jean Kerr
“I’ve been getting into astronomy, so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious.”
-Steven Wright
“Hard work pays off in the end, but laziness pays off now.”
-Al Lubel
Alcohol
Q: How does a man show he’s planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of Heineken instead of one.
Q: What’s the difference between a prostitute and a bottle of wine?
A: The older a bottle of wine is, the more you have to pay for it
Q: What is a man’s idea of a balanced diet?
A: A Budweiser in each hand!
Q: Why was Tequila invented?
A: So ugly people would have a chance at having sex!
Q: You know what’s fun about being sober?
A: Nothing
Q: What do Russians get when mixing Holy Water with Vodka?
A: The Holy Spirit!
Q: What do you get when you mix English class with alcohol?
A: Tequila Mockingbird
Q: What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a bottle of Johnny Walker?
A: A guy will actually SEARCH for a bottle of Johnny Walker.
Q: Why does Corona go through your system so fast?
A: Because it does not have to stop to change color.
Q: Why are Men like coolers?
A: Load them with Budweiser, and you can take them anywhere!
Unlike milk, it’s okay to cry over spilled wine!
Q: What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on him?
A: Nothing, he just let out a little wine.
Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 80?
A: Four guys drinking Coors Light and watching a football game!
My girlfriend is a wine connoisseur. If it’s not one thing she’s whining about, it’s something else.
Q: What does a shot of Tequila and a woman have in common?
A: Both of them make men start talking nonsense!
- Why did God invent Jameson whiskey?
A. So the Irish would never rule the world!
Dad Jokes
Q: What did the policeman say to his belly button?
A: You’re under a vest!
Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: Because he felt crummy!
Q: Why did Billy throw the clock out of the window?
A: Because he wanted to see time fly!
Q: What do lawyers wear to court?
A: Lawsuits!
Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An impasta!
Q: Why did the robber take a bath?
A: Because he wanted to make a clean getaway!
Q: Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?
A: They say he made a mint.
Q: What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A: A waist of time!
Q: Why is there a gate around cemeteries?
A: Because people are dying to get in!
Q: How do you find a Princess?
A: You follow the foot Prince.
Q: What lights up a soccer stadium?
A: A soccer match!
Q: Where do snowmen keep their money?
A: In snow banks!
Q: Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?
A: Because it’s pointless!
Q: Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A: He wanted cold hard cash!
Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A: A nervous wreck!
Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a little boogey in it!
Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bulldozer!
Q: Why was the student’s report card wet?
A: It was below C level!
Q: Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure?
A: Because he was a little shellfish!
Q: What do you call bears with no ears?
A: B
Q: What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
A: Odor in the court.
Q: Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
A: Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!
Q: How many tickles does it take to make an Octopus laugh?
A: Ten-tickles
Q: What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
A: You look flushed!
Q: What do you call the heavy breathing someone makes while trying to hold a yoga pose?
A: Yoga pants.
Q: What is the best day to go to the beach?
A: Sunday, of course!
Q: How do hens cheer for their team?
A: They egg them on!
Q: Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
A: To get to the second hand shop.
Q: When does Friday come before Thursday?
A: In the dictionary!
Q: How does NASA organize a party?
A: They planet
Q: What bow can’t be tied?
A: A rainbow!
Q: Why did the birdie go to the hospital?
A: To get a tweetment
Q: What has one head, one foot and four legs?
A: A Bed
Q: Where did the computer go to dance?
A: To a disc-o
Q: Why did the banana go to the Doctor?
A: Because it was not peeling well
Q: Why is England the wettest country?
A: Because the queen has reigned there for years!
Q: Why did the computer go to the doctor?
A: Because it had a virus!
Q: Why did Roger go out with a prune?
A: Because he couldn’t find a date!
Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly?
A: It barked with de-light!
Q: Who earns a living driving their customers away?
A: A taxi driver
Q: How do you shoot a killer bee?
A: With a bee-bee gun
Q: Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
A: Great food, no atmosphere!
Q: How many apples grow on a tree?
A: All of them!
Q: Want to hear a joke about paper?
A: Nevermind, it’s tearable.
Q: Why did the coffee file a police report?
A: It got mugged.
Q: What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
A: An irrelephant
Q: Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
A: Because they have no body to go with.
Q: What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?
A: Carlos
Q: What did one snowman say to the other one?
A: Do you smell carrots?
Q: Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar?
A: He got 12 months.
Q: Where can you get chicken broth in bulk?
A: The Stock Market
Q: What do you call a man with no nose and no body?
A: Nobody nose.
Q: How much does a hipster weigh?
A: An Instagram
Q: What did the daddy tomato say to the baby tomato?
A: Catch up!
Q: What did the 0 say to the 8?
A: Nice belt!
Q: What’s Forrest Gump’s password?
A: 1forrest1
Q: What do you call a factory that sells passable products?
A: A satisfactory.
Q: How do you make holy water?
A: You boil the hell out of it.
Q: Why did the scarecrow win an award?
A: Because he was outstanding in his field.
Q: Why shouldn’t you buy anything with velcro on it?
A: It’s a total rip-off!
Q: What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent?
A: Show me the honey!
Q: What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn’t move?
A: The road!
Q: What kind of dogs like car racing?
A: Lap dogs
Q: Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab?
A: The scientists were brainstorming!
Q: Why couldn’t the pirate play cards?
A: Because he was sitting on the deck!
Q: What do you call a baby monkey?
A: A Chimp off the old block
Q: Where do bees go to the bathroom?
A: At the BP station!
Q: What do call cheese that isn’t yours?
A: Nacho Cheese!
Q: Why did the traffic light turn red?
A: You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
Q: What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
A: I think I’m coming down with something!
Q: What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant?
A: Swimming trunks.
Q: What did the blanket say to the bed?
A: Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered!
Q: What kind of bird sticks to sweaters?
A: a Vel-Crow
Q: What washes up on very small beaches?
A: Microwaves
Q: What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup?
A: Firecrackers!
Q: What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?
A: Look grandpa, no hands!
Q: What is an astronaut’s favorite place on a computer?
A: The Space bar!
Q: Which month do soldiers hate most?
A: The month of March!
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
Q: What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it?
A: Post Office!
Q: Which U.S. State has the smallest soft drinks?
A: Mini-soda
Q: Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
A: All of the fans left
Q: What did the duck say to the bartender?
A: Put it on my bill
Q: How does a squid go into battle?
A: Well Armed
Q: What kind of tea is hard to swallow?
A: Reality
Q: Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend?
A: Because his friend said dinner is on me.
Q: What did the Time Traveler do when he was still hungry after his last bite?
A: He went back four seconds.
Q: What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer?
A: A loose Canon.
Q: Did you hear about the sensitive burglar?
A: He takes things personally.
Q: Did the disappointed smoker get everything he wanted for Christmas?
A: Clothes, but no cigar.
Q: What do you call the sound a dog makes when it’s choking on a piece of its owner’s jewelry?
A: A diamond in the ruff.
Q: How do you impress a baker when you’re taking his daughter on a date?
A: Bring her flours.
Q: Why did the yogurt go to the art exhibit?
A: Because it was cultured.
Q: Where do cows hang their paintings?
A: In the mooo-seum.
Q: Why did the tomato turn red?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing!
Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job?
A: Because it was soda pressing.
Q: What do bees do if they want to use public transport?
A: Wait at a buzz stop!
Q: What time did the man go to the dentist?
A: Tooth hurt-y.
Q: Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
A: They were cooked in Greece.
Q: Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
A: Because he was a little horse!
Q: What did the fashion police officer say to his sweater?
A: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
Q: What’s the most musical part of a chicken?
A: The drumstick
Q: Why was the baby strawberry crying?
A: Because his mom and dad were in a jam!
Q: What did the fisherman say to the magician?
A: Pick a cod, any cod!
Q: What did the red light say to the green light?
A: Don’t look, I’m changing!
Q: Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the casino?
A: Because he was on a roll.
Q: What would Bears be without Bees?
A: Ears
Q: Why did the poor man sell yeast?
A: To raise some dough.
Q: How do snails fight?
A: They slug it out.
Q: Why do bananas wear suntan lotion?
A: Because they peel.
Q: What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A: I don’t know and I don’t care.
Q: What is the least spoken language in the world?
A: Sign language.
Q: Why are penguins socially awkward?
A: Because they can’t break the ice.
Q: Where do hamburgers go to dance?
A: They go to the meat-ball
Q: What kind of shoes do all spies wear?
A: Sneakers
Q: Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
A: He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!
Q: What do you get when you put your radio in the fridge?
A: Cool Music.
Q: Why did the belt go to jail?
A: Because it held up a pair of pants!
Q: What do you call a bear with no socks on?
A: Bare-foot.
Q: What can you serve but never eat?
A: A volleyball.
Q: Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep?
A: So he could have sweet dreams.
Q: What did the penny say to the other penny?
A: We make perfect cents.
Q: Why did the hipster burn his tongue with his pizza?
A: He ate it before it was cool!
Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.
Q: What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
A: Remorse code.
Q: Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
A: They were cooked in Greece.
Q: What do you call a fat psychic?
A: A four chin teller
Q: Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
A: The don’t meet the koalafications.
Q: What’s brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
Q: What’s a foot long and slippery?
A: A slipper
Q: What’s red and moves up and down?
A: A tomato in an elevator
Q: What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
A: Same middle name.
Q: Who walks into a restaurant, eats shoots and leaves?
A: A Panda
Q: What did one eye say to the other eye?
A: Don’t look now, but something between us smells.
Q: Why should you take a pencil to bed?
A: I want a wii-match!
Q: What streets do ghosts haunt?
A: Dead ends!
Q: What do you call it when Batman skips church?
A: Christian Bale
Q: What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A: It let out a little wine!
Q: What did the time traveler do when he was still hungry after dinner?
A: He went back four seconds.
Cheesy
Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: Because he felt crummy
Q: Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window?
A: Because he wanted to see time fly!
Q: What did the policeman say to his belly button?
A: You’re under a vest!
Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An impasta
Q: What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
A: You look flushed
Q: What do lawyers wear to court?
A: Lawsuits!
Q: Why is there a gate around cemeteries?
A: Because people are dying to get in!
Q: Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure?
A: Because he was a little shellfish
Q: What lights up a soccer stadium?
A: A soccer match
Q: Why was the baby strawberry crying?
A: Because his mom and dad were in a jam.
Q: Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?
A: Because it’s pointless.
Q: Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A: He wanted cold hard cash!
Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A: A nervous wreck
Q: Why did the barber win the race?
A: Because he took a short cut.
Q: What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
A: Nacho Cheese
Q: What do you call four bullfighters standing in quicksand?
A: Quattro Sinko
Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a little boogey in it!
Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bulldozer!
Q: What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A: A waist of time
Q: What do you call bears with no ears?
A: B
Q: Where do pencils go for vacation?
A: Pencil-vania
Q: Why couldn’t the pony sing himself a lullaby?
A: He was a little hoarse
Q: What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
A: Odor in the court.
Q: Where do snowmen keep their money?
A: In snow banks!
Q: What is the best day to go to the beach?
A: Sunday, of course!
Q: How do hens cheer for their team?
A: They egg them on!
Q: What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
A: Supplies
Q: Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
A: To get to the second hand shop.
Q: What bow can’t be tied?
A: A rainbow!
Q: What season is it when you are on a trampoline?
A: Spring time
Q: What is red and smells like blue paint?
A: Red Paint
Q: Why do fish live in salt water?
A: Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Q: Why did the birdie go to the hospital?
A: To get a tweetment
Q: What has one head, one foot and four legs?
A: A Bed
Q: Where did the computer go to dance?
A: To a disc-o
Q: Why is England the wettest country?
A: Because the queen has reigned there for years!
Q: Why did the banana go to the Doctor?
A: Because it was not peeling well
Q: Why did the computer go to the doctor?
A: Because it had a virus!
Q: Why did Roger go out with a prune?
A: Because he couldn’t find a date!
Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly?
A: It barked with de-light!
Q: How do you shoot a killer bee?
A: With a bee-bee gun
Q: What did the traffic light say to the car?
A: Don’t look, I’m about to change!
Q: Who earns a living driving their customers away?
A: A taxi driver
Q: What did the little mountain say to the big mountain?
A: Hi Cliff!
Q: What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent?
A: Show me the honey!
Q: Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
A: To go with the traffic jam!
Q: What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn’t move?
A: The road!
Q: What kind of dogs like car racing?
A: Lap dogs
Q: Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab?
A: The scientists were brainstorming!
Q: Why couldn’t the pirate play cards?
A: Because he was sitting on the deck!
Q: What do you call a baby monkey?
A: A Chimp off the old block
Q: Where do bees go to the bathroom?
A: At the BP station!
Q: Why did the traffic light turn red?
A: You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
Q: What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
A: I think I’m coming down with something!
Q: What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant?
A: Swimming trunks.
Q: What do you call the security guards who work at the Samsung store?
A: Guardians of the Galaxy.
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite
Q: What word is always spelled wrong in the Dictionary?
A: Wrong.
Q: Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself?
A: It was two-tired!
Q: What is the least spoken language in the world?
A: Sign language
Q: How can you tell who is a fan of car racing?
A: He thinks the last words to the star spangled banner are ‘Gentlemen, start your engines!’
Q: What kind of animal do you not want to play games with?
A: A cheetah
Q: Why did the chicken get a penalty?
A: For fowl play!
Q: What is a cheerleader’s favorite drink?
A: Rootbeer
Q: When does Friday come before Thursday?
A: In the dictionary
Q: What did the blanket say to the bed?
A: Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered!
Q: How many tickles does it take to make an Octopus laugh?
A: Ten-tickles
Q: What kind of bird sticks to sweaters?
A: a Vel-Crow
Q: What washes up on very small beaches?
A: Microwaves
Q: What kind of button won’t unbutton?
A: A bellybutton!
Q: Why is the sky so unhappy?
A: It has the blues
Q: Where do boats go when they get sick?
A: The dock
Q: What pet makes the loudest noise?
A: A trum-pet!
Q: What do you call a funny mountain?
A: Hill-arious!
Q: What’s easy to get into but hard to get out of?
A: Trouble
Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do elves get?
A: Mistle-toes
Q: What do you call two fat people having a chat?
A: A heavy discussion
Q: What did the triangle say to the circle?
A: You’re pointless!
Q: What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup?
A: Firecrackers!
Q: What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?
A: Look grandpa, no hands!
Q: What is an astronaut’s favorite place on a computer?
A: The Space bar!
Q: Which month do soldiers hate most?
A: The month of March!
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
Q: What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it?
A: Post Office!
Q: What runs but doesn’t get anywhere?
A: A refrigerator
Q: What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu?
A: One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.
Q: Why did the scarecrow win an award?
A: Because he was out-standing in his field.
Q: What kind of dog keeps the best time?
A: A watch dog.
Q: Which is the longest word in the dictionary?
A: “Smiles”, because there is a mile between each ‘s’
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Because the chicken joke wasn’t invented yet.
Q: Why couldn’t dracula’s wife get to sleep?
A: Because of his coffin.
Q: What did the worker at the rubber band factory say when he lost his job?
A: Oh Snap!
Q: What did one hat say to another?
A: You stay here, I’ll go on a head
Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?
A: Cell phones.
Q: What did the elder chimney say to the younger chimney?
A: You’re too young to smoke!
Q: Why are pirates called pirates?
A: Cause they arrrrr.
- What did the lawyer name his daughter?
A. Sue - What did the cat say after eating two robins lying in the sun?
A. I just lovebaskin’ robins. - How many books can you put in an empty backpack?
A. One! After that it’s not empty! - Did you hear they’re changing the flooring in daycare centers?
A. They’re calling itinfant-tile!
Q: What three candies can you find in every school?
A: Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
Q: What do you call a man that irons clothes?
A: Iron Man
Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.
Q: Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?
A: Because it’s a little meteor
Q: Why is Peter Pan always flying?
A: He neverlands!
Q: Why did the picture go to jail?
A: Because it was framed!
Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An Investigator
Q: What stays in the corner and travels all over the world?
A: A stamp
Q: What kind of key opens a banana?
A: A monkey!
Q: What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A: A private tutor
Q: What goes up when the rain comes down?
A: An umbrella
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone!
Q: Did you hear the joke about the roof?
A: Never mind, it’s over your head!
Q: Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?
A: Because he had no-body to go with.
Q: What did the horse say when he fell?
A: Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy up!
Q: What happens when the smog lifts over Los Angeles?
A: UCLA
Q: Which U.S. State has the smallest soft drinks?
A: Mini-soda
Q: Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
A: All of the fans left
Q: What did the duck say to the bartender?
A: Put it on my bill
Q: How does a squid go into battle?
A: Well Armed
Q: What kind of tea is hard to swallow?
A: Reality
Q: Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend?
A: Because his friend said dinner is on me.
Q: What did the Time Traveler do when he was still hungry after his last bite?
A: He went back four seconds.
Q: What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer?
A: A loose Canon.
Q: Did you hear about the sensitive burglar?
A: He takes things personally.
Q: Did the disappointed smoker get everything he wanted for Christmas?
A: Clothes, but no cigar.
Q: What do you call the sound a dog makes when it’s choking on a piece of its owner’s jewelry?
A: A diamond in the ruff.
Q: What do you call the heavy breathing someone makes while trying to hold a yoga pose?
A: Yoga pants.
Q: How do you impress a baker when you’re taking his daughter on a date?
A: Bring her flours.
Q: Why did the yogurt go to the art exhibit?
A: Because it was cultured.
Q: Where do cows hang their paintings?
A: In the mooo-seum.
Q: Why did the tomato turn red?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing!
Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job?
A: Because it was soda pressing.
Q: What do bees do if they want to use public transport?
A: Wait at a buzz stop!
Q: What did the fashion police officer say to his sweater?
A: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
Q: What do you call a group of unorganized cats?
A: A Cat-astrophe
Q: Why did the frog take the bus to work?
A: His car got toad.
Q: What is the difference between a dressmaker and a farmer?
A: A dressmaker sews what she gathers, a farmer gathers what he sows.
Q: What do you give to a sick lemon?
A: Lemon aid!
Q: What do they call cans in Mexico?
A: Mexi-cans
Q: What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?
A: Bison
Q: Where do Volkswagens go when they get old
A: The Old Volks home!
Q: Why did the elephants get kicked out of the public pool?
A: They kept dropping their trunks.
Q: What’s the most musical part of a chicken?
A: The drumstick
Q: What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay?
A: A Bagel
Q: What did the fisherman say to the magician?
A: Pick a cod, any cod!
Q: What did the red light say to the green light?
A: Don’t look, I’m changing!
Q: Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the casino?
A: Because he was on a roll.
Q: What would Bears be without Bees?
A: Ears
Q: Why did the poor man sell yeast?
A: To raise some dough.
Q: How do snails fight?
A: They slug it out.
Q: Why do bananas wear suntan lotion?
A: Because they peel.
Q: What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A: I don’t know and I don’t care.
Q: Why are penguins socially awkward?
A: Because they can’t break the ice.
Q: Where do hamburgers go to dance?
A: They go to the meat-ball
Q: What kind of shoes do all spies wear?
A: Sneakers
Q: Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
A: He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!
Q: What do you get when you put your radio in the fridge?
A: Cool Music.
Q: Why did the belt go to jail?
A: Because it held up a pair of pants!
Q: What do you call a bear with no socks on?
A: Bare-foot.
Q: What can you serve but never eat?
A: A volleyball.
Q: How do bees get to school?
A: They take the school buzz, of course!
Q: What do you call a cow on a trampoline?
A: A milk shake!
Q: Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep?
A: So he could have sweet dreams.
Q: Why did the robber take a bath?
A: Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
Q: What did the penny say to the other penny?
A: We make perfect cents.
Q: How do you find a Princess?
A: You follow the foot Prince.
Q: Why did the hipster burn his tongue with his pizza?
A: He ate it before it was cool!
Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.
Q: What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
A: Remorse code.
Q: What do you call a fat psychic?
A: A four chin teller
Q: Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
A: The don’t meet the koalafications.
Q: What’s brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
Q: What’s a foot long and slippery?
A: A slipper
Q: What’s red and moves up and down?
A: A tomato in an elevator
Q: How does NASA organize a party?
A: They planet
Q: What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
A: Same middle name.
Q: Who walks into a restaurant, eats shoots and leaves?
A: A Panda
Q: What did one eye say to the other eye?
A: Don’t look now, but something between us smells.
Q: Why do abcdefghijklmopqrstuvwxy & z hate hanging out with the letter n?
A: Because n always has to be the center of attention.
Q: What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa?
A: A Clausterphobic
Q: What sound do porcupines make when they kiss?
A: Ouch!
Q: Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?
A: Because then it would be a foot!
Q: What did the man say to the wall?
A: One more crack like that and I’ll plaster ya!
Q: Why don’t skeletons fight each other?
A: They don’t have the guts.
Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: Garbage truck!
Q: What do you say when you lose a wii game?
A: Ouch!
Q: Why should you take a pencil to bed?
A: I want a wii-match!
Q: Why was the student’s report card wet?
A: It was below C level!
Q: What streets do ghosts haunt?
A: Dead ends!
Q: How do you make holy water?
A: You boil the hell out of it.
Q: What do you call it when Batman skips church?
A: Christian Bale
Q: What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A: It let out a little wine!
Q: What did the time traveler do when he was still hungry after dinner?
A: He went back four seconds.
78 TINDER LINES:
“You don’t know how many times I had to swipe left to find you!”
“Hey, we’re a match! Does this mean we’re dating now? Give me a second, I need to change my Facebook relationship status.”
“Hey gorgeous, will you be my Tinderella?”
“I’ve had a crush on you for 2 hours.”
“Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, We’re a match on Tinder, So I think we should screw.”
“Do you believe in love at first swipe?”
“How many times have you pictured me naked since we matched?”
“69 miles away, huh? Well that’s ironic…”
“You must be a small amount of red phosphorus and I must be a tiny wooden stick… Because we’re a match.”
“My parents are so excited, they can’t wait to meet you!”
“Going to Whole Foods, want me to pick you up anything?”
“They say Tinder is a numbers game… so can I get your number?”
“Are you my appendix? Because this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.”
“Do you have a job? I need a woman who can support me while I play video games all day.”
“Did you know you’re the hottest (insert generic name here- Jessica, Stacy, Mike, etc) on Tinder?”
“We’re a match! The next step is to pick a wedding date, right?”
“Is your personality as angelic as your hair?”
“I usually go for 8’s but I guess I’ll settle for a 10.”
“Does this mean I won’t be a virgin by the end of the week?”
“I hope you know that I am 100% committed to this tinder relationship”
“You’ve got the best smile on tinder. I bet you use Crest.”
“I never saw you coming and I’ll never be the same.”
“Do you ever just lie down at night, look up at the stars and think about all the messed up things in the world? Like why is there a ‘D’ in ‘fridge’ but no ‘D’ in ‘refrigerator’?”
“Sorry, the position for Spanish teacher has been filled. What I’m looking for at the moment is a bedroom acrobatic teacher.”
“Maybe you can help me. I forgot the password to my account, and when I hit ‘password hint,’ it keeps telling me ‘Jessica’s phone number.'”
“Do you have a personality as attractive as your eyes?”
“I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I have yours?”
“If I were an NES cartridge would you blow me?”
“Sunday priorities: Netflix, Exercise, or Bottomless Mimosas?”
“Are you a good cuddler? ‘Cuz I might let you join my gang.”
“Sorry it took me so long to message you, I was at Whole Foods trying to figure out what you like for breakfast.”
“Are you a middle eastern dictator? Because you’re causing a political uprising in my pants”
“Do you work at build-a-bear? Because I’d stuff you.”
“If you were a vegetable you’d be a cute-cumber.”
“You’re so gorgeous that you made me forget my good pickup line.”
“Are you the SAT? Cause I’d do you for 3 hours and 45 minutes, with a ten minute break in the middle for snacks.”
“What’s a smart, attractive, young man like myself doing without your number?”
“Want to come over to my place and watch porn on my flat screen mirror?”
“Do you mix concrete for a living? Because you’re making me hard.”
“Judging by your hair, you seem like a girl who likes to do anal.”
“Do you like Nintendo? Cause Wii would look good together.”
“Sit on my face and I’ll eat my way to your heart.”
“You’re the type of girl I’d let sit on my face for a long period of time.”
“What are the chances I see you naked tonight?”
“If I were a watermelon, would you spit or swallow my seeds?”
“On a scale of 1 to America, how free are you tonight?”
“You’re coming over tonight to watch Game of Thrones and make out.”
“YOU. NUMBER. NOW.”
“Before I hit on you, do you have a problem with large genitalia?”
“Did you grow up on a chicken farm? ‘Cause you sure know how to raise a cock. “
“I could’ve called heaven and asked for an angel, but I was hoping you’re a slut instead.”
“You wanna know what’s beautiful? Read the first word again.”
“Be unique and different, say yes.”
“I’m no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bedrock!”
“You’re not a vegan, are you? Because I’d love to meat you.”
“No wonder the sky is grey today, all the blue is in your eyes.”
“Did you have lucky charms for breakfast? Because you look magically delicious!”
“If a thousand painters worked for a thousand years, they could not create a work of art as beautiful as you.”
“Are you African? Because you’re a frican babe.”
“Did you sit in a pile of sugar? Cause you have a pretty sweet ass.”
“Do you like Pizza Hut? Cause I’ll stuff your crust.”
“Are you from China? Cause I’m China get in your pants.”
“Are you Jewish? Cause the way you’re looking at me, I’m beginning to think Jewish this dick was in your mouth.”
“That’s a nice shirt. Can I try it on after we have sex?”
“I would absolutely love to swap bodily fluids with you.”
“Is your name Daisy? Because I have a sudden urge to plant you right here!”
“Do you like Mexican food? Cause I want to wrap you in my arms and make you my BAE-RITTO.”
“Are you made out of grapes? Because you are fine as wine!”
“If you were a flower you’d be a damnnn-delion”
“Blue eyes, red lips, pale face. So pretty. You look like the flag of France.”
“My mattress is a little hard. Would you like to help me break it in?”
“Is there a rainbow today? I just found the treasure I’ve been searching for!”
“I’m a freelance gynecologist. How long has it been since your last checkup?”
“If you look that good in clothes, you must look even better out of them.”
“If I were to ask you out on a date, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?”
“If beauty were time, you’d be eternity”
“Is your name Earl Grey? Because you look like a hot-tea!”
“Since distance equals velocity times time, let’s let velocity and time approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you.”
Super fucking dirty pickup lines
Did you grow up on a chicken farm? ‘Cause you sure know how to raise a cock.
Do you work at Subway? Because you just gave me a footlong.
Are you a sea lion? Because I can sea you lion in my bed tonight!
I’m no weather man, but you can expect more than a few inches tonight.
Do you have a mirror in your pocket? (Why?) Because I can see myself in your pants.
You remind me of my little toe… because I’m going to bang you on every piece of furniture in my home.
Are you from Iraq? ‘Cause I like the way you Baghdad ass up.
Are you a drill sergeant? Because you have my privates standing at attention.
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but you’re the only one I’d like to catch and mount back at my place.
My dick just died. Would you mind if I buried it in your ass?
I may not go down in history, but I’ll go down on you.
Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package.
Do you mix concrete for a living? Because you’re making me hard.
That shirt’s very becoming on you. If I were on you, I’d be coming too.
Do you have an Asian passport? Because I’m China get into your Japantees
Girl, you should sell hotdogs, because you already know how to make a wiener stand!
I think it’s time I tell you what people are saying behind your back… “Nice ass!”
I may not be a windshield repairman, but I can still fill your crack in.
Are you a termite? Cause you’re about to have a mouth full of wood.
Are you a middle eastern dictator? Because there’s a political uprising in my pants!
Are you a farmer? Because you’ve got some big, round, beautiful melons!
Your smile is almost as big, warm, and lovely as my penis!
Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.
Excuse me, but would you like an orally stimulated orgasm?
Do you run track? Cause I heard you Relay want this dick.
My friend over there really wants your number so he knows where to get a hold of me in the morning.
If you’re feeling down, I can feel you up.
Are you from the ghetto? Cause I’m about to ghetto hold of dat ass.
You know what I like in a girl? My dick.
Did you sit in a pile of sugar? Cause you have a pretty sweet ass.
So you’re not into casual sex? Fine, I’ll put on a tux and we can call it formal sex.
Are you a doctor? cause you just cured my erectile dysfunction.
Your legs are like an Oreo Cookie – I wanna split them and eat all the good stuff in the middle.
Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears? [Pull your pockets inside out] Would you like to?
I lost my virginity. Can I have yours?
If I were a Nintendo cartridge would you blow me?
Do you work at Home Depot? Because you’re giving me wood.
I would tell you a joke about my penis, but it’s too long!
Hi, I’m wasted but this condom in my pocket doesn’t have to be.
Hey, you wanna do a 68? You go down on me, and I’ll owe you one.
Someone vacuum my lap, I think this girl needs a clean place to sit.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put ‘U’ between ‘F’ and ‘CK’
F**k me if I’m wrong, but isn’t your name Laura?
Hey Baby! I’d like to use your thighs as earmuffs.
Are you a pirate? Cause I’ve got a lot of semen waiting for you.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
Your breasts remind me of Mount Rushmore – my face should be among them.
Hey baby, I think you just made my two by four into a four by eight.
Is that a keg in your pants? Because I’d love to tap that ass.
Do you have an inhaler? Because you’ve got ass ma.
Hey cutie, wanna go halves on a baby?
You can call me cake, cause I’ll go straight to your ass.
Are you hungry? Cause omelette you suck this dick.
Do you like pudding? Cause I’ll be pudding this dick in your ass.
Are your legs made of Nutella? Because I’d love to spread them!
Can I read your t-shirt in braille?
Are you an early hominid? Because I’ve got a Homo Erectus right now.
Do you have pet insurance? Because your pussy’s getting smashed tonight!
Are you my homework? Cause I’m not doing you but I definitely should be.
Do you like jalapeños? Cause in a minute I’ll be jalapeño pussy.
Roses are red, violets are fine. If I be the 6, will you be the 9?
I’m not Asian but I’ll still eat your cat.
There will only be 7 planets left after I destroy Uranus.
Do you go to church often? Cause you’re gonna be on your knees tonight.
Touch your toes and I’ll show you where the rocket goes!
On a scale from 1 to “the human centipede”, how close am I to that ass?
Do you know your ABC’s? Cause I wanna give you the 4th letter of the alphabet.
I hope you like dragons, because I’ll be dragon my balls across your face tonight.
Are you an archaeologist? Because I’ve got a bone for you to examine.
I’ll give you a nickel if you tickle my pickle.
You are so selfish! You’re going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night.
Just remember: To you, I am a virgin.
Your clothes are making me uncomfortable; please take them off.
I’m a bird watcher and I’m looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher. Have you seen one?
What’s the speed limit of sex? [what?] 68. Because at 69 YOU have to turn around!
I’m an astronaut and my next mission is to explore Uranus.
I’m like a Rubik’s Cube, the more you play with me the harder I get!
What’s the difference between a Ferrari and an erection? I don’t have a Ferrari.
Hi, do you want to have my children? [No] OK, can we just practice then?
I’m afraid of the dark… Will you sleep with me tonight?
I love my bed but I’d rather be in yours.
Baby, I’m like a firefighter, I find ’em hot and leave ’em wet!
If I’m a pain in your ass… We can just add more lubricants.
I spent over a grand on Viagra today, only to come here and see you and find out that I don’t need it after all.
Brrr! My hands are cold. Can I warm them in your heaving breasts?
Do you work at build-a-bear? Because I’d stuff you
I’ll kiss you in the rain, so you get twice as wet.
Your beauty is why God invented eyeballs, but your booty is why God invented my balls!
Do you know the difference between my dick and a chicken wing? No? Well, let’s go on a picnic and find out!
Hey babe, how about a pizza and a f**k? [No] What’s wrong, don’t you like pizza?
Are you a raisin? Cuz you’re a raisin my dick!
If you were an elevator, what button would I have to push to get you to go down?
I’m hung like a tic tac. Wanna freshen your breath?
Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let’s play gynecologist.
Do you smoke pot? Because weed be cute together
Do you come here often or wait till you get home?
Do you want to come over to my place and feed your beaver some wood?
Do you wash your panties with Windex? Because I can really see myself in them.
Do you need a stud in your life? Cause I got the STD and all I need is U.
If you thought Disneyland was the happiest place on earth, you haven’t been in my pants yet!
Why pay for a bra, when I would gladly hold your boobs up all day for free?
You smell like trash. May I take you out?
If I had AIDS, would you have sex with me? [No] Well, I don’t, so let’s go.
Excuse me, but do you give head to strangers? [No] Well then, allow me to introduce myself.
I wanna floss with your pubic hair.
Girl, do you need to get your protein macros up? Because I’d gladly put my meat inside you
I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
If your right leg was Christmas and your left leg was Easter, would you let me come for dinner between the holidays?
That dress looks great on you…as a matter of fact, so would I.
So, come back to my place, and if you don’t like it I swear I’ll give you a full refund.
Miss, If you’ve lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?
Let’s have a party and invite your pants to come on down.
Do you have any Italian in you? Would you like some?
Hey baby, let’s play house, you can be the door and I’ll slam you all night long!
Hey baby, wanna play lion? You go kneel down right there and I’ll throw you my meat.
Is your name Osteoporosis? Because you’re giving me a serious bone condition
Hi, my name is “Milk.” I’ll do your body good.
I think I could fall madly in bed with you.
Let’s play carpenter. First we’ll get hammered, then I’ll nail you.
Are you from Africa? Cause I wanna know Kenya suck this dick?
We’re like hot chocolate and marshmallows… You’re hot and I wanna be on top of you.
Wanna go on an ‘ate’ with me? I’ll give you the ‘D’ later.
You’re so hot, even my pants are falling for you!
Are you from the Philippines? Because I wanna phil you with my penis.
Do you like Ramen Noodles? Cuz I’ll be Rammin’ my noodle in you later.
Are you spaghetti cause I want you to meat my balls.
Do you like whales? Cause we can go hump back at my place.
Baby I last longer than a white crayon.
The FBI wants to steal my penis. Can I hide it inside you?
Do you like to draw? Cause I put the D in Raw.
We should play strip poker. You can strip, and I’ll poke you.
You remind me of the movie “Scarface” cause I want you to say hello to my little friend.
Do you like Adele? Cause I can tell you wanna be rolling in the D.
Let’s play Barbie. I’ll be Ken and you can be the box I come in.
I had a wet dream about you last night. Would you like to make it a reality?
“Do you like cherries?” [No.] “Ok, can I have yours?”
Do you know what winks and screws like a tiger? [No] Wink.
[Excuse me, do you have the time?] “Yes, do you have the energy?”
At the office copy machine “Reproducing eh?” “Can I help?”
Do you have a phone in your back pocket? Because your booty is calling me.
(Use index finger to call someone over then say) I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand.
Hi, wanna f**k? [No] Mind lying down while I do?
I know a great way to burn off the calories in that pastry you just ate.
I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Are you an elevator? Cause I wanna go down on you.
Is your name daisy? Because I have a sudden urge to plant you right here!
Does your ass have Allstate insurance? [No, why?] Well do you want it to be in good hands?
Let me insert my plug into your socket and we can generate some electricity.
You have been very naughty. Go to my room!
Do you like Wendy’s? Cause you’re gonna love Wendy’s nuts slap yo face!
Don’t ever change. Just get naked.
Are those jeans Guess? Cause guess who wants to be inside them…
Do you like bacon? Wanna strip?
Hey there, I just took some Cialis and I have 18 hours left.
Are you the SAT? Cause I’d do you for 3 hours and 45 minutes, with a ten minute break in the middle for snacks.
I must expel some seminal fluid. May I use your body?
Hold out two fingers and say: “Why should a woman masturbate with these two fingers?” (I don’t know.) “‘Cause they’re mine sweetheart.”
I wanna put my thingy into your thingy.
Judging by your hair, you seem like a girl who likes to do anal.
Excuse me, I am about to go masturbate and needed a name to go with the face.
I would absolutely love to swap bodily fluids with you.
Let’s go to my place and do the things I’ll tell everyone we did anyway.
I’m gonna have sex with you tonight so, you might as well be there.
I’d like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.
Are you the lottery lady on TV, because I’m picturing you holding up my balls.
Damn girl I’d love to kiss those beautiful, luscious lips. And the ones on your face.
I have a job for you, but it blows!
Do you have a shovel? Cause I’m diggin’ that ass!
Judging by your hair, you seem like a girl who likes to do anal.
The things I would do if I got a few roofies in you.
Damn, are you my new boss, because you just gave me a raise.
You’re so hot you could make a deceased man’s dick rise from the dead!
As long as I have a face, you’ll have a place to sit.
You must be yogurt because I want to spoon you.
Do you like tapes and CD’s? Cause I’m gonna tape this dick to your forehead so you CD’s nuts.
Do you like soda? Because I’d mount-and-do you. (Mountain Dew)
Is it hot in here, or are your boobs just huge.
I’m peanut butter, you’re jelly, let’s have sex.
If it’s true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by tomorrow morning.
Remember my name, because you’ll be screaming it later!
Nice shoes, wanna f**k?
Nice socks. Can I try them on after we have sex?
Pizza is my second favourite thing to eat in bed.
Call me Chris Brown, cause I’d hit that!
They call me the cat whisperer, cause I know exactly what that p*ssy needs.
You’re so hot I could roast my meat on you, baby.
You must be Jelly, cause jam don’t shake like that.
I heard your ankles were having a party… want to invite your pants down?
Nice tits. Mind if I squeeze them?
Do you believe in karma? Because I know some good karma-sutra positions.
Wanna go bowling? I’ll give you a chance to pin me.
Oh, you’re a bird watcher. [Pull out your dong] Well, would you take this for a swallow?
Your bone structure is giving my bone structure.
Is your name winter? Because you’ll be coming soon.
Are you a shark? Cause I’ve got some swimmers for you to swallow.
Are you jewish? Cause the way you’re looking at me, I’m beginning to think Jewish this dick was in your mouth.
Do you work for Papa Johns? Cause you’re a fine pizza ass.
Girl are you a witch? Cause you know how to make something stand without even touching it
Are you from China? Cause I’m China get in your pants.
Do you like Pizza Hut? Cause I’ll stuff your crust.
You should stop drinking, because you’re driving me home!
You remind me of my cousin. I want to bang you so bad, but I know that I can’t.
Please tell your boobs to stop looking at my eyes
My name is Haywood. Haywood Jablome.
Since we’ve been told to reduce waste these days, what you say we use these condoms in my pocket before they expire.
[Take an ice cube to the bar, smash it, and say] “Now that I’ve broken the ice, will you sleep with me?”
The only reason I would kick you out of bed would be to f**k you on the floor.
The word of the day is “legs.” Let’s go back to my place and spread the word.
We’re going to dance to one song, then go back to my apartment and f**k.
What can I do to make you sleep with me?
Let’s go back to my room and do some math: Add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply.
I wish you were a screen door, so I could slam you all day long!
Do you like yoga? Cause Yoganna love this dick.
Your place or mine? Tell you what? I’ll flip a coin. Head at my place, tail at yours.
I’d like to get between your legs and eat my way straight to your heart.
Wanna play Pearl Harbor? I’ll lay on the ground and you blow the hell outta me!
If we were both squirrels, would you let me bust a nut in your hole?
My dick’s been feeling a little dead lately. Wanna give it some mouth-to-mouth?
If I told you I had a 2 inch dick would you f**k me? [No] Good, because mine is 8 inches.
Do you like apples? [Yes/No] How about I take you home and f**k the sh*t out of you. How do like them apples?
Do you like jewels? [Yes/No] well, suck my dick, it’s a gem.
They say sex is a killer… Do you want to die happy?
First, I’d like to kiss you passionately on the lips, then, I’ll move up to your belly button.
Your lips are kinda wrinkled. Mind if I press them?
I have a big headache. I hear the best cure for headaches is sex. What say we go upstairs and work out a remedy.
So, Is it safe to say I’m gonna score?
I just checked my schedule and I can have you pregnant by Christmas.
I’m like Domino’s Pizza. If I don’t come in 30 minutes, the next one is free.
Do you like my belt buckle? (any response is okay ) It would look better against your forehead!
Do you wanna come to the Marines, or would your rather have a Marine come into you?
Are you gay? [No] Wow, me neither, let’s have sex.
If I washed my dick, would you suck it? [No] Oh, so you like to suck dirty dicks.
Nice f**king weather. Want to?
That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap next to my bed.
We’re out of bleach. Do you want to go in the janitor’s closet and make out?
There are 206 bones in the human body. How would you like one more?
Those are nice jeans, do you think I could get in them?
Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I guess how much you weigh.
What do you like for breakfast?
Which is easier? You getting into those tight pants or getting you out of them?
Could I touch your belly button… from the inside?
Why don’t you come over here, sit on my lap and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up?
Why don’t you surprise your roommate and not come home tonight?
You have some nice jewelry. It would look great on my nightstand.
Are those lumberjack pants your wearing? They are giving me a wood.
You remind me of a championship bass, I don’t know whether to mount you or eat you.
I’d remove all the chairs in the world, just so you have to sit on my face.
Hey baby there’s a party in my pants and you are invited!
Can I walk through your bushes and climb your mountains?
Hey I’m looking for treasure, Can I look around your chest?
I’m a freelance gynecologist. How long has it been since your last checkup?
Do you take Visa?
Excuse me, I just shit in my pants. Can I get in yours?
You are the reason that god invented boners.
With great penis, comes great responsibility.
If I flip a coin, what are my chances of getting head?
If you’re feeling down, I can feel you up.
There are so many things you can do with the human mouth… why waste it on talking?
How do you like your eggs? Poached, scrambled or fertilized?
You smell… We should go take a shower together.
Would you like a hotdog to go with those buns?
You’re like my own personal brand of heroin.
This may seem corny, but you make me really horny.
I’m a burglar and I’m gonna smash your backdoor in.
Do you wanna do something that rhymes with ‘Truck’?
I have a rare disease that will kill me unless I have sex within the next 30 minutes.
Don’t let me die! I bet my tongue can beat up your tongue.
Yeah, it’s big and if you pet it, it spits
Let us let only latex stand between our love.
Do you wanna see why my nickname is ‘tri-pod’?
Are you a virgin? [No] Prove it!
You bring a whole new meaning to the word, “edible.”
I don’t know what you think of me, but I hope it’s X-rated.
Want to play lion tamer? You could get on all fours and I’ll put my head in your mouth.
If I was a watermelon, would you spit or swallow my seed?
Do you like chicken? Sorry, I haven’t got any, how about a cock?
I think that we might be related. Let me check for the family birthmark on your chest.
Are you from Ireland? ‘Cuz my dick’s-a-Dublin! [Look down at your crotch]
It’s not just going to suck itself.
I’m a writer, you’re a writer, how about we get naked together and put some poetry in motion?
[Hold up a screw] Wanna screw?
[What are you doing?] I’m taking off my shoes. [Why?] So I can take off my pants.
How about you be my story and I’ll be your climax!
“I have this magic watch that can actually talk to me. Seriously, it’s saying something right now. It says that you’re not wearing any underwear, is that true?.” [No.] “Oh wait, my watch is an hour fast!
Is your name Dora? Cause I’ll let you explore this dick.
I like your hair, your eyes, your smile… I like every bone in your body… Especially mine!
Do you sleep on your stomach? [No] Can I?
Lets play “Titanic.” When I say “Iceburg!” you do down.
Do you believe guys think with their dick? (Yeah.) Well, in that case, will you blow my mind?
Smile. It is the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Don’t you think most people who use pick-up lines are dipsticks? (Yes.) In that case, mind if I check your oil level?
Your shirt has to go, but you can stay.
Would you like to actively engage in mock procreation?
I’m easy. Are you?
Would you like to try an Australian kiss? It is just like a French kiss, but down under.
Could you do me a favor? Could you get on your knees and smile like a donut?
This is a condom. If we put it on, we can have sex.
I WANT SEX! Sorry, the doctor said that would help…
Hey baby, what’s your sign? Caution? Slippery when wet? Dangerous curves ahead? Yield?
Do you believe in free love? [No] Then how much do you cost?
Hey baby, I’ll f**k you so well, the NEIGHBORS will be having a cigarette when we’re done.
Want to make a porno? We don’t have to tape it.
Let’s not mess with nature. We are here to make babies. So, let’s get to it.
Gee, that’s a nice set of legs, what time do they open?
I don’t know you, and you don’t know me, but who’s to say it’s wrong if we sleep together?
Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac’s in your bra?
You’re the type of girl I’d let sit on my face for a long period of time.
Before I hit on you, do you have a problem with large genitalia?
I could’ve called heaven and asked for an angel, but I was hoping you’re a slut instead.
I just popped a Viagra. So, we’ve got about 30 minutes to get back to your place.
I think that pick-up lines are for people with to much time on their hands. Let’s just f**k.
You have a beautiful voice. I bet it would sound even better muffled by my penis.
If you can dance, you have my hand, but if you can sing, you have my heart.
Call me leaves, cause you should be blowing me.
Wasn’t I supposed to eat you somewhere?
You can’t be my first, but you could be my next.
You know, if I were you, I’d have sex with me.
You know, my lips won’t just kiss themselves.
Oh, I’m sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag!
Sex is evil; Evil is sin; Sin is forgiven; So let’s begin!
Sit on my face and let me get to ‘Nose’ you better
Are you flappy bird? Cause I could tap you all night.
I hope to God you can’t sing because I just wanna f**k you.
That’s a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?
Hi, I’m gay. Do you think you can convert me?
I’m the finger down your spine when all the lights go out.
Sit on my lap and we’ll get things straight between us.
Life is short. Let’s f**k and see if there is anything after that. Let me eat you for an hour. If you don’t want to have sex after that, we won’t.
All those curves, and me with no brakes.
[Give the person a bottle of wine or tequila] Drink this, and then call me when you’re ready.
Hi, will you help me find my lost puppy? I think he went into this cheap motel room across the street.
I’m trying to determine after years of therapy and lots of testing, whether or not I’m allergic to sex.
[Walk into her chest] “If they weren’t sooo large, it wouldn’t have happened!”
If the sun were to stop shining, I’d be your source of vitamin D.
How much will $20 get me?
Roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at pick up lines… nice tits.
Want to spend the night at my house tonight? The couch may not pull out, but I do.
So, come back to my place, and if you don’t like it I swear I’ll give you a full refund.
What are you doing tonight? Besides me, of course?
Will you be my girlfrien? I left out the ‘d’ cause you’ll get that later!
My name is Skittles… wanna taste my rainbow?
Can I see your blueprints? I wanna lay some pipe in you and need to know that you’re structurally sound enough to do so.
Are those pants on sale? Cause they’re 100% off at my place!
Can I punch you in the face… with my lips?
My mattress is a little hard. Would you like to help me break it in?
I’m with the TSA and I need to perform a full body cavity search, for security reasons.
Can I be the wiener in your hotdog?
I only have 12 hours to live… please don’t let me die a virgin.
I’m bigger and better than the Titantic – only 200 women went down on that vessel!
What is a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
What has 132 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk? My zipper.
You remind me of a crop, because I wanna plow you.
Do you like long cocks on the beach?
I’d crawl over a thousand miles of broken glass just to suck the dick of the last guy you slept with.
Hey baby, I’ve got a back seat with your name on it.
I wanna paint you green and spank you like a disobedient avocado.
I’m on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?
I have the entire dictionary written on my dick.
Want me to put some words in your mouth??
You should join the circus so you can learn to juggle my balls all day.
Now that Trump is president, our country surely is screwed… and you can be too!
Why pay $5 at Subway when you can get this footlong for free?
My name is pogo. Would you like to jump on my stick?
If You Were A Dodge truck, I’d Ram You.
Do you like Kellogg’s? Cause I wanna Frost your Flakes.
I wanna go inside your wine cabinet and pull myself out a stiff one.
Are you a candle? Because I want to blow you.
Was your father a welder? Because those sure are acetylene tits!
I’m no good at pick up lines, but I can pick you up and you will feel my line.
You wanna go out this weekend? [Sorry, I have a boyfriend] I have a math test tomorrow [What?] Oh, I thought we were talking about things we could both cheat on!
Are those space pants? Cuz your ass is out of this world!